I've come to realise that the ego is the greatest obstacle to music-making.

At the most practical level, the existence of ego translates to stage-fright: when I realise that I'm going to be playing in front of an audience, there is the egoistic fear of making mistakes in front other people, or not playing at my best and causing people to think badly of me. Because of this, I start to focus too much on getting the right notes rather than on the overall musical and emotional content of the piece. The funny thing is that this often backfires: the more I think about what are the notes I have to play, the more likely I am to suffer a memory lapse. Even if no mistakes occur, the resulting performance would be mechanical and lifeless.

My best music is always produced when I'm playing on my own, without any feelings of self-consciousness or nervousness. Somehow, this just frees me to play the best music I ever make.

I love playing music for other people, but somehow this I get the feeling that my audience will never enjoy my music as much as I enjoy my own playing when I'm alone.

I've just about managed to get settled down into the schedule of cramming for my finals, which begin on the 28th of April and will be over by the 17th of May.

I had drawn up a comprehensive schedule for my revision before I visited the US a fortnight ago, but it was only several days after my return that I managed to shake off my jetlag and excitement (from the visit and the prospect of studying in Princeton) to hit the books. In previous years, I have hit the books the moment Easter Break started, so this time I'm about 10 days behind compared with back then.

There also the psychological effect of being aware that the results of this exam wouldn't be crucial to my future, since I already have the place at Princeton; however I should make sure that I finish top in my class (which is a rather important bit in anyone's CV), but on the other hand I don't have to push as hard as in years gone by.

Conversely, a couple of the courses I'm taking this year have turned out to be very interesting and fascinating (see one of my past posts on my other blog), so I want to make sure I understand the subtleties of these subjects if for no other reason than my own curiosity.

Perhaps these two effects will cancel out and I'll end up doing not very differently from my earlier years.