My past week can pretty much be summed up with one word: studying. From my waking moment to the second I crash on to bed, it's almost non-stop studying, with the only breaks coming from such obvious things as my bodily functions and the need to eat. I did however, allow myself little things like reading the newspaper, quick power-naps in the afternoon and the jog I let myself have in the afternoon just now...it's either exercise regularly or bloat up quickly from sitting on my ass for most of the day.

Nevertheless, it's never easy to motivate myself into such intense studying. At one level, it's purely egoistic: I did pretty well last year, and the expectation of everyone, including myself, is that I have to perform even better this time round. On the other level, I will most likely be applying for my PhD studentship on the basis of this year's results.

Still, doubts present themselves in my mind all the time. I would not have to work very hard at all to get my 1st class honours and hence qualify myself for most PhD programs. It's for the most elite of the universities that I'm hoping to qualify for, with the amount of work I'm putting in.

I have questioned myself repeatedly on this point: why in the world am I stressing so much over wanting to qualify for the very best. Is it because my self-esteem is so low that I want to prove myself? I'm interested in research in physics, yet I know that I am not a genius. Yes, I can follow and understand that stuff that I'm being taught, but that does not mean that I have the sheer intellect needed to really make a difference in the frontiers of physics. To get a PhD from, say, Harvard or Caltech would look extremely good on my CV, and it will give me a jumpstart in a scientific career, but would it really make a big difference compared with a PhD from a slightly humbler institution?

I am reminded of a Zen parable: There was a military doctor back in the feudal ages of Japan. Day after day, he would treat the injuries of numerous soldiers, only to see them return to battle and get killed. After some time, he is shocked by the carnage and the pointlessness of his duties, and he goes into a hermitage to meditate and reflect. After a long time, he suddenly gets a flash of insight and goes back to his work in the army. When someone asked him why he returned, he said, 'It is because I am a doctor'.

It is almost midnight now, and I need to get to bed. More studying awaits tommorow. It is because I am a student.